October 15th – County Route 32.
A call came in over the radio reporting a bunch of kids throwing eggs at cars. I tracked down the little assholes and identified the alpha male. I knocked out all his teeth and made him give my exhaust pipe a suck job while I beat his best friend to death.
October 22nd – Fairbanks Ave.
Caught a bum smoking crack in an alley. I bit him on the neck then took him to my basement and chained him up, see? I told him if he wants to quit doing crack he can follow Sam Rockney’s 5 step plan.
Sam Rockney’s 5-Step Plan:
1. Eat shit
2. Suck a dick
3. Fuck off
4. Burn in hell
5. Get the fuck outta my face
November 15th – 455 Mulberry St.
Purrrr… responded to a 9-11 call about a kidnapping over on Mulberry. Took one look at the family and I knew the score. Meow, see, they must’ve knocked the kid off, to get rid of him. I held the mother down and made the father watch while I licked the skin off her cheek with my papery tongue. MEOW SEE, MEOW! The dad started to talk. He sang like a bird. Told me everything. I glued his fingers together so he had flippers, and put him in a kiln. I went back to the mother, took a picture of her feet, and put it on the internet.
November 20th – University of Champlain
Caught wind of a research scientist performing some sicko experiments on animals. Decided to snoop around his laboratory. Sure enough there he was, sticking cats and dogs full of needles. So I performed an experiment of my own, see? I gouged out his eyes with a pen.
